People Who Only Text Message

With new technologies come new ways to communicate that make our entire world instant and always in our hands. It’s hard to imagine life without Map Quest, cell phones, GPS or Instant Messenger. But all these technological advancements have made us a very isolated and lonely society. Instead of having real conversations with a human voice, we write broken English to somebody’s phone. Instead of going to a bar or coffee shop to talk, we comment on their Facebook status update that is oddly written in a third person point of view ("Mike is eating cookies!").

Emerging from the exploding popularity of text messaging is a new kind of person: People who only text message. You know the type, you call their cell phone, leave a message on their voicemail then within a minute of hanging up they text you, “Wht up? ;).” These are usually the same people who have over 100 pictures of themselves on Facebook and write more words than a Dostoevsky novel in their about me section. Like many in my generation I have friends who I’ve hung out with no more than two times in the past few years who I have text conversations with at least once a week. In every conversation with a text only friend the same thing is always said, “Whn r we gonna hang nxt?” The answer is always, "bsy ths wk, nxt?" But both textees know that waiting for next week is like waiting for the Chicago Cubs to win a world series, it’s just not going to happen :(. Why will it never happen? Well maybe because their management sucks and the team seems to always have this mindset of failure and just love breaking my heart every damn year. The other reason, since the relationship is a text only one, both will be uncomfortable and awkward in each others presence due to this edited-digital idea of yourself that you have built up via texts that just doesn't really exist. Both parties are aware of this and thus afraid to actually hang out in person.

Since text messaging has become so prominent in our society and there is no way to avoid it, I’ve decided to come up with eight text commandments. Or, if you will, 8 Txt Cmdmnts:

*No Sarcasm Allowed. Every one has mistook a texted joke meant to be funny, as an insult. If you have to end a statement with ‘j.k.’ then it is probably not that funny nor should it be written.

*No Asking Long Questions. No more shall we as a generation write texts messages asking, “What did you do all weekend?” or “Tell me everything you did on your vaca?” Anything that requires more then ten words to respond to shall no longer be expressed over text and anyone who says "vaca" should be forced to wear sweatpants with a loaded gun in the waistline. Just call if you really care that much about their vaca and if you’re only asking because you're feeling lonely and need a form of human interaction, Google: Free porn.

*No More Text Fights. No more shall we fight over text messages. If you need to express anger with someone you must do it over the phone or in person. There are many reasons why this is wrong. One being the sarcasm issue but the biggest is how actually sad it is that arguing over texts is literally expressing yourself in the most passive aggressive way possible, to an inanimate object, a phone. You might as well walk out of your home and yell at a tree or punch your television set. If you really believe in the feelings you have then tell them in person or over the phone when you cannot hide behind written words.

*No Texting Your Parents. This too must stop. The once and only time I ever texted my mother, she called me up asking why I sent a virus to her phone and my father thinks, “texting is for pussies.” But for the rest of you whose parents text, call them please. They want you to. A mother needs to hear her child’s voice and a father needs to yell at them with his own.

*No Texting A Date Before Calling. If you are lucky enough to get the phone number of a person you find attractive and a possible candidate to date, you are not allowed to text them until you’ve at least have two phone conversations. I don’t care how scary it is to make that first call, you cannot text until you’ve talked on the phone at least twice. If you text first, you are weak (see: my father’s statements) and should be taken off the dating candidate list faster than the Fred Thompson for President campaign.

*No Playing Mind Games Through Texts. You all know what I’m talking about, someone texts you and you wait a few hours to write back so you come off as cool or indifferent. This needs to stop. The sad fact is you’re not cool for waiting that long to write someone back a message. If you have something to say, do it right away. You are not cool for waiting a day or two; in fact you are an inconsiderate asshole.

*No Text Break-Ups. If you have so little respect for someone that you will break-up with them over texts message, (right Mandy?) then show them slightly more respect by just not replying at all. At least this way they don’t have a text message (Mandy, you bitch) saying, "sorry dude, it’s over." (Eh, she wasn’t even that hot.) If you really want to break up with someone (me), either call them (why didn’t you call me?) or do what I do, bring them to a bar, get drunk enough to be honest with them, then try for one last hook-up. If someone does in fact dump you over a text message (Why Mandy?), I suggest not saving the message so you can look at it everyday with sadness and anger. Not that I’ve ever done that. But, if I had, I bet it be tough to read every morning, afternoon and night for three months straight that she doesn't think I'm, I mean, you're good enough to date.

Fnl Cmdmnt,

*160 Character Rule: If the question you are asking or statement you are making cannot fit within the 160 character limit it must be done over the phone or in person.

The only exception for breaking one of these laws is if you're drunk. In that case, a message of any kind is usually humorous and funny.

I hope these laws help. TTYL!