Food at Applebee’s

There is nothing worse than Applebee’s accpet maybe...wait, no, NOTHING WORST! With its lame neighborhood campaign, overpriced drinks and their food that's been sitting in a freezer since the Reagan administration they are the worst of the American style restaurants (i.e. Chili's, T.G.I. Friday's). Given that, I understand that once in a while any rational thinking human being will have an unexpected craving for a meal with a name like Baby Back Ribs or Teriyaki Shrimp Skewers. Upon this craving I urge all to eat at the highest-level establishment in this genre, Chili's. That's sort of like ultra-light filtered cigarettes to Applebee’s unfiltered smokes; both are harsh to inhale but one will kill you just a little bit slower. 

If a man was to bring a woman to Applebee’s on a date, she must, under Social Conduct Laws, get up and leave and erase his number from her phone and de-friend him from Facebook. Applebee’s is one of the many establishments such as Denny’s or I.H.O.P. who put colored pictures of each meal on their menu. This is done for two reasons: 1). Most of their costumers are illiterate so the pictures make it easy for them to just point for the waitress. And 2). Given that the food will look nothing as clean and tasty as the picture, it’s there to torment the literate costumers and remind them of just how bad their lives are because they are in fact, eating at Applebee’s. Which is why Applebee's serves such foods as a Quesadilla Burger and enormous portions of fried appetizers that if eaten by someone from another country would force them to puke and take a three day siesta and that's before the main meal. If that amount of food was given to a  third world country, it could feed a whole village for three months. 

With names like Awesome Blossom and Quesadilla Explosion as actually food that people will order off the menu of an Applebee's or Chili's, I've decided to come up with a few new names that they might want to try out. I'm looking at this from a marketing perspective. How about the The Kiddie Ciga-Dog (Tag Line: You're Never to Young to Start All Your Future Addiction!), The Pepto Bismo Milkshake (Tag Line: Pre-emptive War On the Stomach!) and The Tiger Woods' 9 Club Sandwhich

(Tag Line: Are You Serious? This Hasn't Been Done Yet?)

Applebee's is not the only offender, others include: T.G.I. Firday's and Outback Steakhouse (which is not really Australian). Here's a few words of advice for a man who insists on bringing a female to one of these places. If you think you really like her take her to Chili's. If you are not sure, T.G.I. Friday's and if you hate her with a deep fiery passion, Applebee's. And if you are in fact thinking about taking a date to one of these establishments, be prepared to go home alone.