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People Who Only Text Message

With new technologies come new ways to communicate that make our entire world instant and always in our hands. It’s hard to imagine life without Map Quest, cell phones, GPS or Instant Messenger. But all these technological advancements have made us a very isolated and lonely society. Instead of having real conversations with a human voice, we write broken English to somebody’s phone. Instead of going to a bar or coffee shop to talk, we comment on their Facebook status update that is oddly written in a third person point of view ("Mike is eating cookies!").

Emerging from the exploding popularity of text messaging is a new kind of person: People who only text message. You know the type, you call their cell phone, leave a message on their voicemail then within a minute of hanging up they text you, “Wht up? ;).” These are usually the same people who have over 100 pictures of themselves on Facebook and write more words than a Dostoevsky novel in their about me section. Like many in my generation I have friends who I’ve hung out with no more than two times in the past few years who I have text conversations with at least once a week. In every conversation with a text only friend the same thing is always said, “Whn r we gonna hang nxt?” The answer is always, "bsy ths wk, nxt?" But both textees know that waiting for next week is like waiting for the Chicago Cubs to win a world series, it’s just not going to happen :(. Why will it never happen? Well maybe because their management sucks and the team seems to always have this mindset of failure and just love breaking my heart every damn year. The other reason, since the relationship is a text only one, both will be uncomfortable and awkward in each others presence due to this edited-digital idea of yourself that you have built up via texts that just doesn't really exist. Both parties are aware of this and thus afraid to actually hang out in person.

Since text messaging has become so prominent in our society and there is no way to avoid it, I’ve decided to come up with eight text commandments. Or, if you will, 8 Txt Cmdmnts:

*No Sarcasm Allowed. Every one has mistook a texted joke meant to be funny, as an insult. If you have to end a statement with ‘j.k.’ then it is probably not that funny nor should it be written.

*No Asking Long Questions. No more shall we as a generation write texts messages asking, “What did you do all weekend?” or “Tell me everything you did on your vaca?” Anything that requires more then ten words to respond to shall no longer be expressed over text and anyone who says "vaca" should be forced to wear sweatpants with a loaded gun in the waistline. Just call if you really care that much about their vaca and if you’re only asking because you're feeling lonely and need a form of human interaction, Google: Free porn.

*No More Text Fights. No more shall we fight over text messages. If you need to express anger with someone you must do it over the phone or in person. There are many reasons why this is wrong. One being the sarcasm issue but the biggest is how actually sad it is that arguing over texts is literally expressing yourself in the most passive aggressive way possible, to an inanimate object, a phone. You might as well walk out of your home and yell at a tree or punch your television set. If you really believe in the feelings you have then tell them in person or over the phone when you cannot hide behind written words.

*No Texting Your Parents. This too must stop. The once and only time I ever texted my mother, she called me up asking why I sent a virus to her phone and my father thinks, “texting is for pussies.” But for the rest of you whose parents text, call them please. They want you to. A mother needs to hear her child’s voice and a father needs to yell at them with his own.

*No Texting A Date Before Calling. If you are lucky enough to get the phone number of a person you find attractive and a possible candidate to date, you are not allowed to text them until you’ve at least have two phone conversations. I don’t care how scary it is to make that first call, you cannot text until you’ve talked on the phone at least twice. If you text first, you are weak (see: my father’s statements) and should be taken off the dating candidate list faster than the Fred Thompson for President campaign.

*No Playing Mind Games Through Texts. You all know what I’m talking about, someone texts you and you wait a few hours to write back so you come off as cool or indifferent. This needs to stop. The sad fact is you’re not cool for waiting that long to write someone back a message. If you have something to say, do it right away. You are not cool for waiting a day or two; in fact you are an inconsiderate asshole.

*No Text Break-Ups. If you have so little respect for someone that you will break-up with them over texts message, (right Mandy?) then show them slightly more respect by just not replying at all. At least this way they don’t have a text message (Mandy, you bitch) saying, "sorry dude, it’s over." (Eh, she wasn’t even that hot.) If you really want to break up with someone (me), either call them (why didn’t you call me?) or do what I do, bring them to a bar, get drunk enough to be honest with them, then try for one last hook-up. If someone does in fact dump you over a text message (Why Mandy?), I suggest not saving the message so you can look at it everyday with sadness and anger. Not that I’ve ever done that. But, if I had, I bet it be tough to read every morning, afternoon and night for three months straight that she doesn't think I'm, I mean, you're good enough to date.

Fnl Cmdmnt,

*160 Character Rule: If the question you are asking or statement you are making cannot fit within the 160 character limit it must be done over the phone or in person.

The only exception for breaking one of these laws is if you're drunk. In that case, a message of any kind is usually humorous and funny.

I hope these laws help. TTYL!

Gangster Looney Tunes Clothing

The greatest instance of trickery and ‘switch-a-rooing’ since George W. Bush claimed Saddam caused 9/11 is by far the trend of Gangster Looney Tunes clothing. This shouldn’t exist. Somehow the marketers of Looney Tunes were able to turn a cartoon that was famous for its overtly racial stereotypes towards Black people, draw Bugs Bunny looking gangster, draw Tweety or Tasmanian Devil looking tough and sell it to the very people they spent years offending. 

This trend is similar to a Jew wearing a German flag t-shirt or a white guy wearing clothing only from Lands End or the Gap. The basic fundamental problem with the trend is not the racist history of Looney Tunes but the fact that there is absolutely nothing gangster or tough about Looney Tunes. A Cartoon bunny and a duck with no pants will never be tough or 'gangsta' thus disqualifying all who wear the clothing from being a gangster.

The main problem is that people are buying into and giving money to an organization that made profits off insulting them. This problem exists with more products besides Looney Tunes Gangster clothing. It's far reaching though, like life, it's not quite sure what it's reaching for. Think about a Jewish person paying money to see a Mel "Sugar Tits" Gibson movie or a lower-income family having to shop at Wal-Mart. Or, shall I dear even say a Vegan -Environmentalist eating non-organic food? The truth is you can't really avoid it, if you're lower income the only place to save money is Wal-Mart and if you're Mel Gibson, it's just natural to make movies about Jesus. 

Food at Applebee’s

There is nothing worse than Applebee’s accpet maybe...wait, no, NOTHING WORST! With its lame neighborhood campaign, overpriced drinks and their food that's been sitting in a freezer since the Reagan administration they are the worst of the American style restaurants (i.e. Chili's, T.G.I. Friday's). Given that, I understand that once in a while any rational thinking human being will have an unexpected craving for a meal with a name like Baby Back Ribs or Teriyaki Shrimp Skewers. Upon this craving I urge all to eat at the highest-level establishment in this genre, Chili's. That's sort of like ultra-light filtered cigarettes to Applebee’s unfiltered smokes; both are harsh to inhale but one will kill you just a little bit slower. 

If a man was to bring a woman to Applebee’s on a date, she must, under Social Conduct Laws, get up and leave and erase his number from her phone and de-friend him from Facebook. Applebee’s is one of the many establishments such as Denny’s or I.H.O.P. who put colored pictures of each meal on their menu. This is done for two reasons: 1). Most of their costumers are illiterate so the pictures make it easy for them to just point for the waitress. And 2). Given that the food will look nothing as clean and tasty as the picture, it’s there to torment the literate costumers and remind them of just how bad their lives are because they are in fact, eating at Applebee’s. Which is why Applebee's serves such foods as a Quesadilla Burger and enormous portions of fried appetizers that if eaten by someone from another country would force them to puke and take a three day siesta and that's before the main meal. If that amount of food was given to a  third world country, it could feed a whole village for three months. 

With names like Awesome Blossom and Quesadilla Explosion as actually food that people will order off the menu of an Applebee's or Chili's, I've decided to come up with a few new names that they might want to try out. I'm looking at this from a marketing perspective. How about the The Kiddie Ciga-Dog (Tag Line: You're Never to Young to Start All Your Future Addiction!), The Pepto Bismo Milkshake (Tag Line: Pre-emptive War On the Stomach!) and The Tiger Woods' 9 Club Sandwhich

(Tag Line: Are You Serious? This Hasn't Been Done Yet?)

Applebee's is not the only offender, others include: T.G.I. Firday's and Outback Steakhouse (which is not really Australian). Here's a few words of advice for a man who insists on bringing a female to one of these places. If you think you really like her take her to Chili's. If you are not sure, T.G.I. Friday's and if you hate her with a deep fiery passion, Applebee's. And if you are in fact thinking about taking a date to one of these establishments, be prepared to go home alone.

Guys Who Only Play Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson Songs On Guitar

During every get together or hang-out session that involves at least one female mixed in with a group of more than three guys; one man is guaranteed to pull out a guitar, talk about how good he is then go into playing a Dave Mathews Band song. This shouldn’t exist. Someone re-creating a Dave Mathews song is equivalent to someone trying to re-enact a Nicolas Cage scene from National Treasure 2, no matter how close to the actual real version you get, it’s still a Dave Mathews song and it’s still Nicolas Cage. The art of improvising a cool blues lick and jamming with a pentatonic scale or showing off a song you just wrote has whittled away to the lame-ass white boy sounds of “Satellite,” and “Ants Marching.” In recent years, Jack Johnson’s songs have found their way into this deplorable display of annoyance. Although, Johnson’s music is nowhere near the level of lameness as Mathews, it still finds a way to annoy everyone in the room but the actual asshole playing it. While the other men in the room angrily watch the douche bag run through ‘'Flake,'’ for the 200th time with disgust, they must accept the fact that this douche bag playing the songs will in fact be the only one who gets laid that night.

Celebrities with Their Own Fashion Line or Cologne

Somewhere in the cycle of celebrity culture it was deemed popular to create a fashion line that features some trendy name like L.A.M.B. or Twenty 8 Twelve and sell it as designed by an annoying celebrity such as Jennifer “Won’t you be my 10^th husband” Lopez or that girl from The Hills. Not only does this force the general public into having to see advertisements featuring the given celebrity, it also forces young, easily influenced teens into wearing horrendous clothes that do nothing more but advertise for the celebrity.

This shameful insult towards fashion and society was manageable until the invention of celebrity cologne. The biggest offenders include Tim McGraw and Paris Hilton. I mean what would Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s cologne smell like? My guess is sweaty gasoline mixed with cigarettes and a bottle of herpes cream. Little actual work is put into making the celebrity cologne smell appeasing or at least, not like a gas station in rural Texas. It has been theorized that celebrities get the liquids for their products from the tainted extra formulas at the Old Spice factory and the left over grease from Hardee's. 

Since American culture is obsessed with celebrity and will buy anything endorsed by one, (See: Tigers Woods and absolutely any product thrown at him that’s wrapped in money) I would like to suggest some other products that celebrities might want to endorse: Fall Out Boy Tampons (Tag line: "They're going to suck anyways, at least they'll suck in a fun place."), Brad Pitt Condoms (Tag Line: "Because it's Who Your Girlfriend Will Be Thinking About!), Sean Hannity Bull-Shit Detectors (Tag Line: "The King Of Bullshit Will Help You Detect It.") and Barack Obama's Presidential Used Toilet Paper (Tag Line: "Come on, You Know You'd Buy Any Shit This Dude Throws Out There."). Look for Mike Huckabee's Creepy Eye Contact Lenses at a optometrist near you! (Note: Muke Huckabee's Creepy Eye Contact Lenses will be only sold to straight-white-christian males of the middle to upper class.)